by Greg Klein | April 1, 2015
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper joined British Columbia Premier Christy Clark on Parliament Hill today to address what they called the country’s most troubling political problem. “Preposterous scandals, monumental waste, inexcusable judgement and appalling incompetence have plagued our country for its entire history,” the pair said in unison. “In fact Canada’s just a bottomless pit of politically imposed problems. But they’re just symptoms of a deeper predicament. We’ve now identified the cause and its solution after examining the business model of a mining company.”
That company was HD Mining International, which currently conducts underground bulk sampling at its proposed Murray River coal mine in northeastern B.C.
The Chinese-owned company won both federal and provincial support for its policy of staffing underground operations with Mandarin-speaking Chinese—and no one but Mandarin-speaking Chinese—because the company insisted no Canadians were qualified to do the job.
“After looking at their operation, the scales suddenly fell from our eyes,” exclaimed the Harper/Clark duo. “That was how we pinpointed the cause of all our country’s difficulties. The problem with Canadian politics is Canadian politicians.”
And the solution? “We’re introducing provincial and federal legislation that limits public office to Mandarin-speaking Chinese. No Canadians are qualified for the job. We’ve proven that.”
Canada and B.C. have already jointly contracted HD Mining, which by convenient coincidence is owned by Mandarin-speaking Chinese, to supply qualified political personnel.
Speaking through a translator, company CEO Angus Chan told reporters that for greater efficiency he’ll move Canada’s capital to Beijing. “It’s just a formality anyway,” he explained. “So much of Canada’s public policy is already being decided there.”